Donald Trump has bragged about building a “big, beautiful
wall” to protect the southern border. (He has also stated that “nobody builds
walls better than me,” a claim the Chinese,
East Germans,
and Roger Waters
would probably dispute.) His budget requests $4.1 billion
to begin design and construction, although the Department of Homeland Security estimates
that the total cost will be upwards of $21 billion.
Even fans of President Trump think his BBW is a better shtick
than it is a solution. Border Patrol agent and Donald Trump supporter Chris
Cabrera, who has worked along areas of the border where walls and fences are
already present, said as much on a recent episode
of This American Life: “We put an
18-foot wall up. The next day, we had 19-foot ladders all over the place. It
got so bad.”
So, if President Trump insists on blowing several billion
dollars on something that is almost sure to fail, why not bypass “big” and go
straight to “crazy”? (That’s kind of his brand anyway.) Below are some thought
starters…
A Moat
Everyone loves a moat. It conjures foreboding and the sense
that a dragon attack is imminent. It also has a certain European milieu, which
is almost as classy as gilding everything in gold
leaf. Trump could build a giant robot dragon to patrol the border
and attack anyone attempting to cross the moat. (I’m fairly certain that nobody
builds giant robot dragons better than Donald Trump.) The dragon should be
racist.
Robot Army
Why build one robot dragon when you can build a robot army?
Of course, if people know anything, they know that a robot army will eventually
turn on its creators, so this should be a low-rent endeavor—nothing too
sophisticated. Less T-1000 from Terminator
2 and more Box
from Logan’s Run (a robot that looks
like the offspring of Destro and an LG refrigerator). Make a few hundred
thousand of them and arm them with zip guns. To keep costs low, it would be
best to manufacture the robots in Mexico. The robots should be racist.
 |
| Destro |
Other tidbits that aren’t fleshed out but that have potential:
- Wall of Flame
- Self-contained Poison Gas Cloud
- Giant, Irradiated Killer Ant People
- River of Acid
- Real-life Phantom Zone
Let’s employ Trump’s army of red-hat warriors to link arms along
the southern border, forming a human chain that combines the fecklessness of Hands
Across America with the moral clarity of The Human Centipede. It would be ideal if the people are racist,
but more vital is their ability to stand for long hours.
Scorpion Pit
This is simply a retread of the moat idea, except we brand the
moat as a pit and fill it with scorpions (or snakes or tarantulas or the Breitbart
News Editorial Board—anything that’s venomous and devoid of conscience).
Zombie Zone
Observers of American popular culture will argue that the
zombie trend is on the wane, but so was overt racism before Trump resurrected
it (pardon the pun). Who knows—perhaps the liberal, elite lamestream media is underestimating
the affection that white, working-class Americans have for re-animated corpses.
Only one way to find out: create a Zombie Zone where the dead are free to eat anyone
trying to cross the border illegally. (Like climate change, there is no consensus
within the scientific community on the existence of zombies or how human
activity may or may not contribute to the raising of the dead—the issue requires
more study and debate.) At the very least, America can stick a few million heads
on pikes along the border.
Ray Guns
RAY GUNS! Is it a high-tech, dystopian law enforcement solution
that combines the brute horror of Judge
Dredd with the technological prowess of Silicon Valley? No, because that’s totally
unrealistic. Easier to hire a bunch of guys named Ray to stand at the border
and shoot anything that moves. (Or we hire people who want the gig and are
willing to change their name to Ray—kinda like the Ramones.)
Miscellaneous
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