People I Have Met Who Are More Qualified Than Donald Trump to Be President

Before the 2016 election, almost every major news outlet and publication, including those with traditionally conservative leanings, endorsed Hillary Clinton. The primary argument was that while some of Hillary Clinton’s actions were ethically suspect, she was informed, qualified, and normal (or at least as normal as people who want to be president can be). Yet over 62 million adults used their democratic vote to elect the first candidate to run as an autocrat because, you know, change.

As rational people begin to re-examine the wisdom of handing the nuclear codes to a man whose brain is the equivalent of a gaggle of angry leprechauns humping an old-timey carousel, I thought it would be a good exercise to come up with a list of people I’ve met who would be more qualified to be president than Donald Trump. On one hand, this is not especially challenging, because Donald Trump is so uniquely unqualified to be president; on the other hand, it’s incredibly challenging, because I avoid going outside and meeting people.

1)    Every adult member of my extended family

Every member of my family is a hard-working American who grew up in a middle class household. Not one of them is an overt racist or a pathological liar who sows discord with every utterance. Every member of my family is capable of feeling emotions not rooted exclusively in either anger or self-pity. And as far as I know, no one in my family is a self-admitted sexual predator. Each one of them already clears the bar America has set for the elected leader of the free (at least for now) world.

2)    My two-year-old daughter

My daughter throws fewer tantrums than our president. She is aware that other people exist and that her actions affect them physically and emotionally—because that is the kind of thing you learn when you are two years old and don’t show signs of being a malignant narcissist. Most importantly, her cognitive abilities are still developing, so it is fair to assume that she will only get better at her job. Donald Trump is 70 and believes global warming is a hoax created by the Chinese to harm American manufacturing.

3)    Every dead-eyed, hollowed-out marketer with whom I’ve had the displeasure of working

Donald Trump is much better at cultivating the image of being successful than he is at actually being successful. In other words, he’s a marketer first and a businessman second. I have been in marketing for over fifteen years, and in that time I have worked with many creative, caring, thoughtful people who believe their work helps turn the wheels of free enterprise. I have also worked with a few petty, soulless narcissists who believe in nothing beyond their own greatness; but even among those wretched souls, not one has been a petty, soulless, narcissist who believes in nothing beyond his own greatness AND who is also a whining, ignorant incompetent. No can have those qualities and remain employed (unless, of course, they are bequeathed a company to sit atop).

4)    Any of my friends

I don’t have many friends. The friends I do have I see very infrequently—so infrequently, in fact, that the people I refer to as “friends” probably refer to me as “a colleague” or “an acquaintance” or “who?”. Be that as it may, they are all intelligent, empathetic folks who have a basic appreciation for civil society—probably because, unlike certain individuals who are handed a fortune that they leverage to buy their way out of trouble, my friends are forced to live within society’s rules and general constraints. None of my friends have ever openly praised murderous dictators (and my friends live in New York City, a sanctuary for eight million pinko commie liberals trying to destroy America). Also, all of my friends are human beings who acknowledge the basic humanity of other human beings, because most people make an effort to not be totally evil.

5)    Me

I have no experience in government or the military, which is now apparently an asset rather than a liability. (Who would’ve thought people would favor someone to have complete authority over something in which said person has no experience?) I have very little charisma—so little charisma that my wife’s friend has introduced himself to me at least six times over the past eight years with a friendly “nice to meet you.” I’m not popular in any social circle, not even my own (see number four, above). And finally, in case it’s not already painfully obvious, I don’t think very highly of myself. Yet I believe I would make a better president than Donald Trump, largely because I believe almost anyone who’s halfway intelligent, has some sense of empathy, and doesn’t subscribe to wild conspiracy theories would make a better president than Donald Trump.

After spending several days compiling this list, I have come to the conclusion that anybody with whom I can remember having a coherent, informed conversation is more qualified to be president than our current president—most likely because they were capable of having a coherent, informed conversation. The saddest revelation here is that my situation is unremarkable. As previously stated, I’m a mediocre individual. There are of millions of Americans who are just as painfully average as me, all of whom surround themselves with generally competent people who don’t live in their own self-imposed cocoon of delusional grandiosity, creating a pool of tens of millions of people more qualified to be president than Donald Trump.

Kids, the next time an adult gets down on one knee and looks you in the eye and says, “You could be President of the United States,” it may not be an affirmation intended to encourage you onward, but rather an assessment of your qualifications right now.